Smiley Face
by Munsterkind
Summary: It had to be that smile.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters. I wanted to write a fan-fiction centring around the psychological aspects of something. Any similarities to real world situations are coincidental. This is just a fanfiction and a figure of my imagination. It sucks, but I'm working on it.

The dark stretched on from the balcony. It was like black ink spilled across the sky. Endless, empty and silent. Fireflies glowed faintly in the background and the light from the candles lit the surfaces on the sturdy, concrete walls. With every step he took, the outline of his lithe figure trailed behind him and shadows smothered the bright contours of his navy blue hakama and white kimono. He slid the door behind him and entered a room. The room itself was where lesser nobles could have quiet conversations. There was no one here except for him, and he liked it that way, it made him feel at ease after what had happened today. Earlier, he, Hinamori and Renji could've died and it was because he had been stupid and overconfident enough to try and take on hollows without backup and didn't just run. If it hadn't been for Aizen-taicho and Ichimaru-fukutaicho, they would've been overwhelmed and they would've gotten killed. Shoulders sat against the wall and his arms limp, he closed his eyes and slept.

Ichimaru Gin walked with a purpose, he was to meet with Aizen-taicho at a secluded place to discuss an important matter. The ever perpetual smile on his face said nothing of what he really thought. His vice-captain robes flowed behind him, it had only been a year since he was promoted and he felt he already knew the real Aizen. Not a lot of people trusted him, because he had killed the third seat for this position and he didn't have Aizen's kind face, but he didn't see how people could trust Aizen so easily with someone like him as fukutaicho. Perhaps the kind smile and attitude fooled everyone else, but being so close to the older man made him aware of the subtle condescending jabs he sent. There was only one person more unsettling than himself and Mayuri Kurotsuchi, and it was the man in front of him. "Come in fukutaicho." the man smiled, but only dead eyes stared back at him through thick, unassuming lenses. Gin faced his taicho with a nod, and a narrow look. "It's scary how ya' play them and how kind ya pretend to be."

"You noticed? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised coming from you." he scoffed and then turned serious.

Kira dosed off in the room next to them, but being a light sleeper he woke up at the faintest of sounds coming from the other side. Snapping awake, he then weakened his reiatsu to make it look like he was sleeping, the voices were familiar. It's not like he'd wanted to eavesdrop, but he couldn't help it when he was already there. He leaned in closer to hear what they were saying.

"I'm taking the kids we saved earlier into our squad. They're impressionable."

"Now that's mean of ya' taicho."

"I took you in from nothing. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

He was as controllin' as ever.

Gin felt an odd spike in the next room, a reiatsu that felt faintly familiar but immediately faded just as it floated into the wind. 'Let's see how high and mighty ya are when ya lyin and bleeding on da floor' he thought to himself.

"Did you feel that?"

He nodded, and then motioned into the next room. It looked like they had an eavesdropper, one that had enough control to mask themselves and act like they weren't awake, but he wasn't too sure. Any other person would've dismissed it, but not him, not Aizen. They were both far too experienced to let it slip from their senses.

Kira listened in on the conversation, and at the mention of them feeling his reiatsu, he knew he had probably been discovered, but was hoping that they would pass it off as nothing. Lightly wiping the sweat from his brow, he remained as still and as quiet as possible.

"Ah it's nothin' it's probably somebody sleepin' in tha next room that's havin' a dream."

"It's not like you to be careless."

The blond breathed a mental sigh of relief.

Aizen shrugged, he didn't care if there was someone on the other side listening, because he could simply twist their perceptions to accept his illusions or kill them and nobody would be asking around, but he didn't want to take a chance. He silently asked Gin to check on the intruder and released a verbal incantation to temporarily phase out the wall. What came next was a surprise to him. The blond, that they had 'rescued' earlier phased out of the wall and fell into their room. By his estimation most academy trainees could not mask their presence.

"My my what' do we have here Aizen-taicho?"

"An academy trainee."

"He musta heard our conversation."

He unsheathed Kyoka Suigetsu, and darkness folded over the blond's eyes. He was thinking about what to make the younger man see, perhaps he'd just cut out Gin's responses and say that he was planning to induct the trainees into his squad. Blue eyes looked up at him untranced. Now that was a first.

"He ain't bitin'" Gin said, slightly amused. Now this piqued Aizen's interest, what exactly made him immune to his Kyoka Suigetsu? He sheathed his sword back in and looked at the blond lying on the floor with his hands on the ground. Too bad he might have to kill him.

Izuru was bewildered now, frantically looking anywhere but the two people above him who were watching his every move like some sort specimen to dissect. "He's either too dumb to get ya images or already doesn't trust us." At the aforementioned insult about his intelligence, he must've snapped out of his stupor and gave the silver haired shinigami an annoyed look, because when the other man responded back, he felt like he was being pushed down without having to say anything. He didn't know what they were talking about, what did they mean, pictures? In any case, all he wanted to do was get out of the room and quick. He slowly stood back up and started heading for the door.

"Ain't it rude to go without sayin' bye?" the one with the silver hair said, hand on his shoulder. He felt the other man firmly apply pressure. The threat didn't need to be said to be understood. Outwardly he did not show any feelings of nervousness being in close proximity to the two, but he cleared his throat and fixed the collar of his white kimono, clearly uncomfortable.

"Stay, we insist." There was something oddly sinister about the well-known Captain that he did not notice before and it was bothering him. No, it must been his imagination. Aizen-taicho is known to be a very kind man and the two of them even saved him and his friends. He couldn't help feeling that he merely wanted to leave.

"Aizen-taicho and Ichimaru-fukutaicho. Thank you for the offer. Sorry, but I'm afraid I have to get home. Thank you for saving us." he curtly said, then went out the door before the two could even say anything. He, like many other people, found Ichimaru-fukutaicho unnerving.

"Now that's somethin' ya don't see everyday. Most people be bowin at ya feet." The silver haired shinigami was smiling with his eyes shut, facing his frowning boss with scepticism. "What are we gon' do?"

"We could use him later on. Either way, I don't care if he dies. We can make him entirely loyal to one of us."

"What makes ya think it'll be that easy?"

"He looks weak and he doesn't have much of a presence. People who idolize you are easiest to manipulate." Aizen said, he went over to the table and then picked up a flower from a vase. In his hand, he crushed it.

"He ain't lookin' like he idolizes either of us taicho."

"Make him fear you then and isolate him. That's the only way we can get his loyalty when the time comes. I won't do it... I have a reputation to uphold after all."

"I'll handle his two other friends."

All of them were pulled into the fifth squad for a time, but their friendship began straining when they were all pulled into different squads with Renji in the twelfth squad and him getting into the fourth squad. He looked on as Momo not-so-subtly worshipped the ground Aizen walked on, following behind his every step and looking happy. She was just promoted to fukutaicho recently and he was happy for her, but they barely talked anymore. He wanted to talk with her, to connect with her like old times, but he hadn't been able to find the voice to do so. Many times, it was Momo that was there, when his parents died, when he was upset, she was the good friend that he cherished, but she looked happy and he didn't want to get in the way of that or her success.

He didn't mind being in the fourth squad unlike many of the other shinigami assigned there. Although they tended to be bossed around and looked down upon by the other squads, they were all nice people and he had nothing to complain about. It's just – there was no one he could really connect with on a deeper level like in their academy days. Everyone else he used to know was busy with their own squads now.

Ichimaru-taicho came in with his leg sporting a bad wound and limping towards him. The older man sat down next to him. Silently, he moved quickly and performed healing kido to patch the wound. "Stay still, let me heal you." The kido reversed the damage and regenerated the pale skin. The blood was still there, but no longer was it dripping excessively.

"That's it."

"Not much of a talker are ya."

He didn't reply, he had no energy to deal with or talk to the other man. After cleaning the halls and patching up the other patients, he was ready to turn in for the day. The bandages, he cleaned and then left on the table. Izuru did not know the time, but before he could head off to find his room number, a slender, pale strong arm shot out and curved around his wrist.

He looked at the man confused.

"Why don't you join my squad? Izuru-kun. It's way more funner than the fourth squad!"

"I'm content here."

"But do ya feel like ya fit in?"

"I -" He heard rumours about the third squad and their taicho, not all of them were particularly flattering. He had heard that the man was was ruthless when it came to the battlefield and cared even less if his own men died and was particularly passive aggressive towards people that displeased him. Even back then, he had felt like a text-book sociopath. The fourth squad may've been looked down upon but the third squad, they were a different story altogether. There were a few people wanting to transfer out of the third squad already during the course of the year.

"I'm fine here, Ichimaru-taicho." The man let go of his hand and all the other man could do was watch as he retreated further into the night. He didn't say anything else.

The next week, rumours spread around that Izuru had slept with many people, that he was a whore. That he had cheated with multiple people. That he had a bad attitude and no squad wanted him. The rumours even spread to the fourth squad where everyone was polite when facing him, but he'd hear whispers about him in the back corner. It was getting to the point he felt uncomfortable being in the same room as other people.

It was just before the end of the month when he met the silver haired man again. "What's wrong? Izuru-kun? Ya look more depressed than usual."

"It's – nothing." He tried to wave it off like there wasn't anything wrong, but he didn't want to make it look like he was desperate for someone to talk to.

"Common, ya can trust me and ya can talk ta me." The man grinned.

"I kept getting letters from my ex."

"Yer ex?"

"Yeah, it was from someone who was my ex, but the letters were about the rumours that were floating around about me and other people. I can't even remember having an ex. If I did, I'm sure I was drunk."

"If you don't feel like ya fit in there, yer always welcome in my squad, Izuru-kun." he said smiling, but it somehow managed to sound extremely facetious even to him. He was taking a chance, and it was hard for him to trust people. It took him years to get a large amount of trust for people and he didn't know if it would be a good idea to trust Ichimaru Gin. It's not like he didn't want to trust other people, he did and he earnestly tried to, but trusting everyone on sight isn't exactly the wise. He can't be all that bad, can he? He and Aizen did save them back when they were in the academy and outside of the shinigami, he did have a known reputation for being a hero.

After this encounter, it was then that he slowly started trusting the other man more. At the very least, he was someone that he could respect a lot. He put up a front of not knowing a lot about many of the ongoings of Seireitei, but he knew that things had been happening in the background and they involved many of the people around him; he was just the person on the edges of the loop looking from the outside, a person wanting to defend what was important to him and that wanted to do what he thought was right. He'd have to make tough decisions in the future that he didn't want to make because they were at war, after all, with the hollows. He didn't want to make those decisions when the time came.


	2. Chapter 2

He remembered when his parents died and feeling sad, he had freshly been disowned for not following in their footsteps, but he still cared about them. Over time he slowly let go of his inner anger and slowly let go of the past. The thought had lingered in his mind over the years thinking about what he could have done to save them. Sometimes he wished he'd died instead. Now alone and disowned, he inherited nothing and didn't have anywhere else to go. He had nothing to live on for and kept walking on. Then one day, someone sent him a note to join the Shinigami academy and sponsored him.

The person had never revealed who he was. It seemed his parents had passed over his inheritance to his uncle who had taken him in for a time, but then he found out the truth about his uncle being the one that killed them with a note left in his desk. He acted oblivious about it around people, but whenever he looked at his uncle he wanted to see signs of something that was worth not killing. Sometimes he wondered if he should have regretted it. He stood there over his uncle's body and was about to plunge a knife into it, but then stopped and thought about what kind of person he'd be if he did the same thing as he had to someone else. He hesitated. He cared. Everything would change and he no longer could be the person he used to be.

Never once did he care about the inheritance and if he lost it, but he almost wanted to do it for revenge. He believed in reform and was a pacifist, so what was he doing? All he thought about was the people that depended on his uncle and what kind of place it would be if he had died. There were only a handful of people in the family that cared about him, but he truly wanted to do what was good for people and stability. Perhaps it was the fact that he took him in the first place and perhaps it was the fact that he had fond memories, but he shouldn't have cared as much as he did because the man had killed his parents, right? By then his uncle had opened his eyes and became suspicious of him, it was that hesitation that allowed his uncle to grab his wrist and twist his arm behind his back.

The knife slid on the floor. He felt the knife at the back of his neck barely touching his skin. For a few moments, his uncle mumbled something he couldn't hear and then he was let go. Nothing else was mentioned around people and he just went on his way, because everyone already knew what he'd almost done. Afterwards, there were a lot of unpleasant things that were said about him, but he just left it all behind him.

One night, he was standing guard over someone's cell door and asked what the man was in for. The prisoner spoke to him and said something. He explained his side of the story. That he was innocent and he had been framed. Silently, he twisted the key and opened the bars, then watched him go. Then he'd been left to deal with the consequences and he of course ended up on probation for letting the other man go. These kind of tactics always made him uncomfortable.

He didn't think anyone deserved to rot for something they didn't do. The aftermath that followed conflicted him, because they said he had inadvertently aided someone in doing something to someone else he didn't agree with.

"There has to be another way than to destroy the city. There's too many hollows, but there are still survivors there. Let's just fight for people and evacuate as many people that we can. There are already too many people that died." he said to a mysterious figure.

"This is the last thing I can do for the city and other people." he took out his sword, summoned kido markings on the ground and then said "I was asking you to save people and help them instead of killing, but you didn't really understand what I meant."

"I was asking you for reform, but what you were asking was something I couldn't do to others. I'm sorry... that I couldn't do what you were asking if it meant killing the people who were important to me and other innocent people. You were one of the only friends I had at a time when it was hard, but I'll settle for dying in your place."

"I didn't want to have to kill anyone, but I admit that there are people that probably deserve to die. I'm willing to take a chance on change. Maybe I'm one of the people that do deserve to die."

There was someone he knew who was planning to sacrifice himself, and he needed to act now or he was going to be too late. He raised his sword, started channelling his remaining energy into the marking and spoke an incantation. He lied so much for other people he didn't know what was real anymore and he lost his identity in it. What was real? He cared about people, he cared what happened to his former district and he cared about what happened to other people... That was real. He wanted to go back to when he didn't have to put on a mask for people, to when he had been a lot more kind and didn't have to worry about much. He had been loyal to people, but he learned loyalty to a person who he knew was wrong came at the cost of other people.

The first person to truly care about him was someone he didn't mind dying for, but he knew had to neutralize the kido bombs before they hit or he'd never be able to cope with himself for allowing it to happen. The least he could do was repay it by exchanging his life. At least now he wouldn't have to think about it. He cut across his stomach and made the transfer.

"Let me die in peace at least." While he closed his eyes and lied on a pool of his own blood, he felt someone use healing kido on him and he drifted in his mind for a long time before waking up. Someone was standing over him. "I don't like Star Wars."

"What is- Star Wars?" he asked.

The first person he saw was Ichimaru-taicho. "You're pretty fucked up Izuru. It was like ya didn't know who ya were and you were switchin' personalities. You were havin' a bad dream in ya sleep." The silver hair man told him, but he could note the angry tone behind the constant grin. It was as if the man could read his mind, and he instinctively wanted to shield what he thought, pull away and hide. "It's a film made by humans. It's pretty funny that ya were screamin' like a little girl for a while."


	3. Chapter 3

It was years ago when he'd said he wouldn't abandon someone who'd told him that all his friends winded up leaving him, for the person who'd thrown the party. At the party for nobles and lesser nobles, the man stood out like a sore thumb with his lone figure in the back of the room. Gloomy was all he could say to describe the man. He was curious and he'd wanted to know more about him. Real friends were hard to find he'd said to the man. The only name he'd been given was Louis. Over the following years he swore he could see some mysterious figure in the corner that looked a lot like the same man he'd met at the party. If what he said years ago were to apply today, he felt that it was too late to go back on his word, but he probably couldn't just abandon everyone else for the man. The man looked ruthless, like the type of person to discard people and not regret it, and didn't care much for anyone, but the man had had been there when he had no one else. The aura he gave off was extremely bitter and full of hate. Sometimes he'd feel as if he couldn't breath around him. Years later, he'd find the man was a much nicer person than he'd been before.

Then he knew about Shusuke and Makoto's betrayal. He could have killed them both, but in the end he just left them alive. He kept telling himself that he wanted see whether the man could change despite the fact he knew that the man could kill him and discard him. So why did he save him when he knew the man hated him so much at times? He wanted to see him become something else than what people said of him. In truth he'd never hated him, but he disliked how badly and violent the man reacted to something so little and how he called other people trash. For all that time spent with them in the third squad, he'd had come to care about them.

"Just give me one reason not to turn my back on you."

"... I want redemption... I'm innocent."

So he'd helped the two men escape death only because he'd wanted see something different. Makoto had an enormous ego, he had an excessive amount of pride and was insufferable at times, but what if he was just wanting a place to fit in and could change? What if he'd just been caught up in something he didn't want to participate in because of someone else? Who knows if the man actually cared about him, he doubted it, but he had never left anybody to die before and it felt like an alien action to him. Shusuke wanted revenge because his father had been killed, and he was the same, but he'd never managed to bring himself to push it in. He left Squad Three, but he attempted to make sure it could continue on without him.

There were certain people he had an undying loyalty to above what he'd pledge to other people and one of them was someone he loved. Sitting on a bench, he looked on as others walked by.

Izuru had just aided Urahara who was technically one of Aizen's biggest enemies. Gin face palmed, it was almost comical how Izuru was never reliable enough to enact their plans. He knew Aizen was irritated now.


	4. Lalalalala

The past few days, he'd been too depressed to even move and it'd been hard to focus. There had been people that once hated him and wanted to kill him, but that's all in the past and he could move on now. He wasn't worried and he was more confident about what type of person he was. It was just the clinical depression that hung over him. Though he had disagreed over another tactic that he couldn't condone and it had been hard, he had still tried to save Adam. Adam both hated and loved him for it. Other people did not like the fact that he had technically healed people on an opposing side, either out of a conscience or because he cared about them.

Ideals and honour, they were something he had clung onto for as long as he could remember, but by the time he had left, he'd made a few compromises for other people. It had always given him nothing but trouble to do what was right. Then he realized he didn't mind, but he probably had his share of suffering for what he'd helped other people do and trying to do the right thing. Power, he never wanted and when he had all the chances he could to get it, he'd never taken it because he didn't think he was right for it at the time and he wasn't willing to make sacrifices. The conflict was over now. Izuru felt content about not heading back there. He'd only ever been trying to twist the turn of events towards less destructive means and protect his former district, but he had cared about other people and tried to keep them alive. In the stubborn belief that people could change and have the potential to become good he'd continuously helped other people, but he didn't think innocent people deserved to die.

It was because he had never been wiling to sacrifice other people and he hated killing people, but he knew there were people that wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice him or other people when it came down to it. He had never believed that Urahara was guilty of what they said he did and if he had done it, there must have been a reason for it. It was war and yet, he found himself unable to cut people down and if he did so, he'd only done it out of self-defense. The only other thing that he was looking for was a reason to believe in other people.

There was a figure he could see at the top of the ledge, the man was reaching to save him, but he knew they were both going to die if he didn't let go, and so, he let go of the man's hand and fell. "Take it. Don't use it for wron- " he'd rasped out and then tossed the halo upward as he spiralled downwards. It's not like he had wanted to keep it, but he had planned on using it to revive everyone who'd had died, and to help other people. Most of his powers were gone now. If he saved one person, he knew that would mean letting the other person take the fall and it wasn't really a choice he was willing to make. There was one person that he'd had wanted to save that he'd failed to do so before and it was his brother.

After he fell, he'd been alright living in the real world as a human. He didn't have to worry about the past anymore and what could have been. He was living in the now. Izuru smiled for real in what had been a long time. The only thing he'd wanted after all was to be with the people that were important to him, that he'd care about and that cared about him the same, but he was willing to let go if it meant that they'd probably be better off; and they were probably better off. For now, he'd just appreciate what he now.


End file.
